BLAST FROM THE PAST, PT 1
In which our intrepid author shares with you some old crappy writing of his from years ago, comments on it and makes fun of himself.
In this first installment of Blast From The Past, I will share the sordid history of my webzine and some “weekly rants” that I didn’t always update weekly, and most of which were lost by the hosting company screwing something up and losing a bunch of pages.
So: my webzine. In my senior year of high school I came down with pneumonia. This was your normal, run of the mill walking pneumonia, but I thought it was just a cold and I had a ridiculous work ethic beaten into me, so I refused to ever call into work. I worked in a freezer at the time, too, stocking shelves and putting away truck deliveries at a bulk food grocery store. Shortly after Christmas my mom finally noticed that I was coughing a not-at-all normal cough and took me to the doctor. I got a shot in my butt and told that if I had gone much longer I would have ended up in the hospital. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house or do anything strenuous for 2–3 weeks. The first few days were bad, but then the antibiotics started doing their job and I felt fine. I had gotten a book for Christmas, “The HTML Bible.” With literally nothing else to do, I taught myself how to create web sites with the help of this huge book. Keep in mind that this was the REALLY early days of the internet, stylesheets were not really a thing yet, websites were very simple, frames and stupid animated buttons were used constantly. I was on the yearbook team and had access to the school’s digital camera (a HUGE deal in 1999), and photoshop and developed a style of manipulated images that I used for the site:
Artsy as hell, isn’t it? I was king of the “increase the contrast to the max, change to grayscale and add filters” method. The zine also had a really irritating title that I thought up while half asleep or something, I thought it sounded cool and it had extra punctuation that made no sense whatsoever. I am not going to say the name of it, because it is still out there and no one needs to subject themselves to that mess. But, the name was like this: “Something something, something?”
Yes. Really. I hate 18 year old me for thinking this was clever. What a pretentious ass I was.
Without further ado, I present to you some of my weekly rants from way back in 1999, with running commentary by myself:
I am driving home from work today. I pass by the Fire Station, and as always i read the sign. They always put these catchy little safety slogans like “teach children water safety”, or “mulch can be a dangerous ashtray”.
Having the period outside of the quotes really upsets me now, but I didn’t know any better back then. Not a bad start, though.
Today’s message struck me as really funny. It said “Wear proper attire when grilling”. I laughed my ass off when i read this. I don’t know why, but it just strikes me as funny. When i read that the first thing that came into my mind was a picture of a guy in a tuxedo grilling hamburgers. And it was fucking hilarious. I don’t know why it was so funny, but it was. So there.
Ok, so this is a pretty funny slice-of-life observation. Not too bad of a start here. I do have to point out that the lower case “i” was 100% an artistic choice, I didn’t feel like I was worth being a proper noun (but I respected that the start of sentences needed to be capitalized). Like I said, I was a really pretentious ass.
Other things around me now: I have awful luck. AWFUL fucking luck. I’m not even going to go into that. AWFUL LUCK. Though, tommorrow is my last day of high school. That is good luck. But, the bad luck overshadows it all. Though, right now in 24 hours i’ll be watching naked women dancing around me. But, oh….the bad luck. fuck fuck fuck.
AND I’ve ruined it. This is one of many instances of what you would call “vaguebooking” today. I have no idea what the “bad luck” I was referring to here was. Probably something stupid with a girl that I brought on myself because I was an idiot who was only interested in girls who wanted nothing to do with me. It was almost always something stupid with a girl that I brought on myself. The naked women thing refers to my first trip to a strip club. My best good friend was finally 18 and we wanted to go as soon as we were done with school. We ended up going, drinking Coca-Colas and smoking cigars and since we were cheap and didn’t know how these things worked, we split a “2 for 1” lap dance from a lovely woman calling herself Cinnamon, who I assume finished school and is a successful doctor or lawyer now.
Anyways, enough of my bitching, im gonna go listen to some more Fifteen and be happy for a while. I love this fucking band. I got “The choice of a new generation” used, and it is such a damn good album. Wish i woulda gotten into them earlier. Anyways, that’s my two cents, todd.
There’s the underground punk band name drop to show how cool I am because I listen to bands that aren’t on MTV. I also ended most of these with “that’s my two cents.” I have no idea why, it’s a pretty fucking weak sign-off.
That was fun, let’s do another one!
Weather: A bit cold, like usual at this time of night.
Time: 1:56 AM, a little late for me to up considering i have both work and school tommorrow, but oh well, what can ya do?
In my CD player currently: Dillinger Four, Furious George, Zeke, Sludgeworth, The Retreads.
My thoughts right now: I’m enjoying college. Much better than high school. If you are still in highschool, and hating every minute of it, just wait till college. Even if you hate everyone in site, you only have to deal with them for 3–4 hours a day. It’s fun. Moving on.
Sometime during the summer of 99 I switched to using the much more artsy looking date format you see here. Honestly, I usually do still write my dates like this because I guess I’m still a stuck-up artsy jerk. I also did this “weather, time, in my cd player” shit exactly twice. I don’t know why. I also didn’t know how that “site” and “sight” were different words, apparently. I wrote “in site” many times on that sight (SEE WHAT I DID THERE).
I had a fun night last night. I spent the night at my friend J****’s, who is who i will be living with next year if i decide to stay at ***. He got the porn channel from Pay-Per-View, so we spent the whole night criticing porno and drinking woodchuck. I was once again reminded how much i love drunken slumber. You can be on the floor, in your full clothes, with shoes on, and still be comfortable sleeping. It’s still the best sleep you’ll ever get. Damn.
This guy is a raging asshole now, who I stopped really being friends with after he got a 13 year old girl from Omaha (he was 20 at the time) to come visit him, had sex with her and then dissed and dismissed her. A mutual friend had to drive her back to Nebraska because he just disappeared. He now spends his days on facebook trolling posts and arguing with reasonable people by taking the most ridiculous stance on everything. He’s also an EDM DJ. Personal info redacted.
I’ve come to realization that there are no good girls left. They all have boyfriends, it’s like a requirement nowadays. Wierd.
Oh, geez. Shut the hell up, dude. Also, it’s “weird.”
It’s fun being in the know. There is a very funny situation going on somewhere i visit, and i know the true story behind it all and it’s very funny. I can’t mention anything about it though, or i will be shot down in my prime. Speaking of being shot down in your prime, i had some pretty shitty pizza today. Apparantly there is a dairy shortage so a lot of pizza places are switching to using that cheap imitation cheese shit. And you are all better people for knowing this. That’s my two cents.
There’s that vaguebooking shit again. I have no idea what this was referring to, either.
Ok, reader, I’ll do another one!
Weather”: a bit fucking tired of this rain. It’s a bitch to drive in. I’m tired of looking through foggy glass. (a. goes out to m***….see if he gets the joke…2. can be taken many ways…).
My friend’s old band had a song called “foggy glasses.” I don’t know what other way this could have been taken.
time: 12:00 exactly. (well, it will be soon.)
Shut the fuck up.
in my CD player: accually, not my CD player, as im not at home…but it’s Rasputina.
A girl I briefly dated made me a mix tape that had Rasputina on it. I can’t remember if they were any good, but I doubt it.
I saw a duck today. I lied. That’s all.
I really hate the me that I was in October of 1999, but at least I dropped the “two cents” bullshit.
OK, fine….ONE MORE, but that’s IT. I have to get ready for dinner.
The Christian Right can suck my ass. Motherfuckers. Peices of shit. Let me explain.
Man, I was fucking edgy. Look at that. Ignore the misspelled “pieces.” Focus on the “suck my ass” and the “motherfuckers.” I can’t wait to see my explanation for all of this vitriol.
I’m on vacation, right. I’m lounging, doin the online thing (as i am a big huge nerd, and i brought my dad’s laptop with me).
Hence how I’m able to update the website, naturally.
On the evil (in a bad way) television comes on 20/20 or nightline or something along those lines, im not too sure.
GIGANTIC EYE ROLL. I was the WORST.
The story that they are doing is about some new program that “de-gays” people. They are treating homosexuality as a fucking disease! They were saying something like “The program consists of much bible study and counciling and support groups”. What the fuck? They also said that there is no way anyone is born gay, something has to happen to make them gay. I swear…people need to realize that being gay is not a disease, it’s not a “problem”,that can just be fixed and forgotten about. It’s not a problem, its not a disease. If people want to like the same sez as them, let em. I don’t see how people can get such a bug up their ass about it. I personally don’t care. I just don’t want to hear about it. Just as i don’t want to hear about straight people’s sex lives. Is your own business, ya know? But anyways… Now that i have that out of my system…I’m on vacation.
Sad that this is actually still a thing (“praying the gay away”). I’m glad I reminded the reader that I am on vacation only one short paragraph later. What a first world asshole thing to repeatedly point out.
I’m doin allright. It’s nice and relaxing here. The beach was fun today, though i did get quite sunburned. Oh well. i really shoulda worn sunscreen. Dumb me. Well, it is getting late…i think i’m gonna jet, folks. I will probably rant again later this week, if anything pisses me off or i find anything especially funny…
Today i ate at the Froggy Dog. Neat, huh? Froggy Dog…woulda been better though if it was the Monkey Hut. Holy shit….the Monkey Hut! that will be my restaurant! I have a vision! i have a purpose! i must go now!
Spoiler: The Monkey Hut never happened.